Patrick (pseudonym) is a distinguished client and exceptionally talented across disciplines.

Yet, when Patrick was twenty-five years old Kris and I predicted how/when/where his life would disintegrate. We predicted his mid-life crisis, which played out as we had explained it to him. His story is not all that different from many of our clients.

Patrick’s parents remained in Asia to run several small businesses. They were not wealthy by any measure, but their goal was for Patrick to move to the US, study, and ultimately pursue a path in the medical field. When I first met Patrick, he was extremely ambitious. He was trying to pursue a joint MBA and medical degree and was considering interning at McKinsey before returning to medicine. At his parents’ urging, he turned down the McKinsey internship to take a research fellowship in Europe to work under one of the world’s leading researchers in a specialized medical field.

Patrick returned to the US and continued his medical studies. He wanted to be a research-based medical professional in surgery: teach, research, and operate. He suffered from burnout at this stage, but he wanted to make his parents proud, bring them to the US, and care for them. And he was well on track.

When I reconnected with Patrick in his late thirties, he had achieved much of his dream. He was a respected medical professional. He was a surgeon, but not where he wanted to be. He had some way to go. His parents had moved to the US. Patrick was about to have twins and it made sense for his parents to live with him and his wife, a lawyer. His parents could care for the children while he and his wife worked.

Cracks in the Plan

Patrick was approached by a pharmaceutical giant. His salary would significantly increase, and he would serve as a bridge between the researchers and the executive committee: translator, administrator, and advisor.

His wife strongly supported the idea because Patrick would be closer to home and could work a few days from home. His work hours would be much shorter. Travel was not on the cards. His wife believed this could open the conversation for her in-laws to live close by, but in a separate apartment and with pre-set visiting hours.

How do you think this landed?

Patrick’s parents were furious. How dare he give up his medical career? What would they tell their friends? That they had sacrificed so much for him to give up? It would be embarrassing for them to live alone. They needed care, and his behavior was an affront to their culture and how they had raised him.

A Clear Red Line 

Patrick had to make several decisions.

Pursue a new career path or not?
Live with his parents or not?
In general, should he follow his original plan/goal for his life?

It got worse. It usually does before it becomes better. His wife gave birth to twin girls. Patrick’s parents were displeased. They wanted Patrick and his wife to try for a son to carry the family name. Patrick’s wife was adamant she would not have more children. She did not want to be a stay-at-home mom, and her career was on the line.

Patrick’s typical day was now chaotic. He would try to help at home as much as he could before work, but his parents were pressuring his wife to quit her job, become a stay-at-home wife, and try for a son. Their criticism was daily and unrelenting. They considered it free advice. They expected her to care for them and Patrick. Patrick had to deal with the tension when he returned home each day.

Patrick planned to offer his parents the dream of staying in medicine. Over time, his salary could grow significantly, so this area would be covered. Yet, his parents would need to stay in a separate apartment, with Patrick covering all their costs, and his wife would follow her plans. That was the deal.

Would they take it?

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The Crisis Arrives

Patrick’s conversation failed. It caused a huge rift in his family. His cousins, uncles, and aunts called him an ungrateful son. They accused him of abandoning his parents. His parents said he was abandoning them to die alone, in poverty. His wife was not spared much. To them, she was the root of all evil. In trying to please everyone, Patrick had made the situation worse.

Patrick made the classic mistake of confusing ambition with an obligation, and an obligation with his personal goal. From a young age, Patrick was raised by his parents to believe that it was his, Patrick’s, destiny to work hard, do things to please his parents, and set up a life where his parents were central and cared for by him all the time. In the absence of his own goals, society, which he experienced through his parents’ culture, had given Patrick a goal. One he had slowly come to regret.

Layers of obligations had been instilled in him by his parents’ words, actions, and signs of disapproval if he tried to do anything to deviate from this/their plan. For example, he was often reprimanded for taking courses that did not place him on a pre-med path. He was not allowed vacations early in his life since they would distract him from his studies. His parents wanted him to marry someone who accepted his parents’ values, culture and expectations.

Even though he had not realized it, an obligation had been instilled in Patrick’s mind that he had to do what was best for his parents. This obligation was his ambition. His desire to please his parents and make them proud had propelled his career. The fear of disappointing them fueled his desire to work harder. Yet, as we grow and form our identities, we often ask ourselves why we are doing anything. We question our goals.

Why am I killing myself to do something that I do not enjoy?
I have so much, so why am I unhappy?
I did everything people wanted, so why do they want more?
When I do more for others, why are they never happy?
When is it my time to pursue my life?

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Misreading Obligations

Patrick’s life came to a head, and his mid-life crisis began when we explained that he was pursuing an obligation AND that his obligations would never end. This is a monumental insight. He had made some significant erroneous assumptions:

1. “If I became a medical professional, I would have met my parents’ wishes for me, and could pursue my own life.”
2. “If I cared for my parents, they would be happy.”
3. “If they lived with me, it would be enough.”
4. “If I did all three of the above, I would have made them happy, and I could focus on other/my goals.”

This is the core of the issue. When someone relentlessly pressures you to fulfill an obligation for them, they will not change once the obligation is fulfilled. If putting pressure had led to Patrick putting them first, why would his parents now change? Why change what had worked so well for forty years? They will want more and more. Patrick’s parents had other plans for their son once he had fulfilled their initial obligations.

Those were only the initial obligations. That’s the deep realization we unpacked for Patrick. The obligations would never end. His entire life would be him following the obligations of his parents, just for them to be somewhat content, and demand even more.

Why would Patrick continue to be driven by something that was only going to lead to more demands? He realized that by meeting the very high initial obligations they had of him, Patrick set up a life where he would never be free. They would simply double down on their earlier tactics of demanding more. And that is what they were doing.

In their minds, and due to their culture, his parents saw Patrick’s wife as an extension of his obligation to care for them as they aged. To them, her ambitions and needs were problems to be fixed. They believed Patrick would choose their needs.

Patrick had spent almost forty years confusing his parents’ expectations as his drive and desire. They were not. He had come far, but it was not what he wanted. Achieving someone else’s dreams for you (or them) is not enough. It becomes a punishment when the goalposts shift, and newer, more demanding expectations are unveiled. Plus, since it is not your goal, you usually end up constantly feeling you are in the wrong place, doing the wrong things, with the wrong people.

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The Annual

These realizations had a tremendous positive impact on Patrick’s life. Yet, there is one additional thing we helped with, that had an even larger positive impact on his life. We will discuss that later, below. It is the crux of the issue. All these realizations took time to unpack for Patrick. He did not even realize this was the biggest issue in his life. And each client is different. We have to find their issue that can unlock everything. Patrick had initially come to us to get promoted. He assumed that was his main problem.

In The Annual program, among other crucial things, Kris and I carefully unpack and help clients understand why they lack ambition, remain unfulfilled, why many clients can never be happy, and why results remain so fleeting. The reasons are usually not what they think they are. It is one of the most powerful ways to help clients achieve breakout success. We had to help Patrick find his drive and goal. He had never done it before and needed to be taught how.

Many of you reading this will assume the solution is to simply set up boundaries. This is the crux I mentioned earlier as the second thing that must be done. Simply setting boundaries that he did not understand how to set because he had never done it before would have led to things blowing up. Patrick would have alienated his parents and family. He would have been ostracized. He would have lost a lot. We helped him learn how to create a healthy family dynamic working with his family. Most people do the opposite. They impose punitive boundaries that lead to regret in the future. We avoided this for Patrick.

We usually see things very differently from clients, except for some clients who have worked with us for a long time.

When your entire life revolves around fulfilling someone else’s expectations of you / obligations for you, you will eventually stop pursuing that life.

We do not want you to be like Patrick. He was twisting his life into a pretzel to please those who could not be pleased. When anyone thinks you owe them your life/existence, they are your creditors. When you allow yourself to be anyone’s retirement plan, thereby denying yourself the pursuit of your dreams, how can it work long-term?

But again, remember that it’s not about setting boundaries and blowing out relationships. It is a very delicate process. Setting boundaries that blow up things simply creates a new set of problems.

Keep this in your thoughts as I sign out.

“How can someone be a leader if they are not leading their own life?”

We hope to see you in The Annual:

1. Subscribe to Insider – gain access to video/audio materials related to this program.
2. Subscribe to Legacy – everything within Insider plus more advanced programs. You will also be able to submit your question given your specific situation (in writing, 1 paragraph) and get an audio reply from us.
3. 1-on-1 results clinics (take it to another level) – in addition to benefiting from the support and resources above, work with us personally. Apply to [email protected]. Please submit your resume (in any format you have available).